In the last newsletter, we discussed the fact that in order to ensure complete psychological healing, we must heal not only the original core wounds, but also all the defense mechanisms that the person has created to protect themselves from feeling those core wounds. Those defense mechanisms can be quite complicated. They are often organized in layers, with each layer imperfectly solving the problems created by the layer just beneath it, and leaving problems to be solved by the layer above it, or not solved at all.
I presented a simple map for understanding the various layers of defense mechanisms. Starting with the simplest and proceeding to the most complex, it looks like this:
I hasten to point out that in real life the different levels and layers are not so distinct and separate, and one level may blur into another. Keeping that in mind, let's go through the layers one at a time and unpack each one.
In the last newsletter, we discussed in detail the first and second levels of trauma defenses, the levels of phobia and trauma. Now let's explore the third and fourth levels.
The 3rd Level - Addiction
At the third level, where we find addictions, we have all the trauma and defenses of the second level, but they are now buried under an additional layer of defense, an habitual behavior that serves to numb the person to the pain and anxiety of the core trauma. Here, the person's solution to the underlying problem has itself become a problem. Usually, people come for help with stopping the addictive behavior, completely unaware that it is their medicine for a deeper wound, and that we must heal that deeper wound to really cure the addiction.
The numbing agent may be anything. Some of the favorites are alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work, money, success, fame and popularity. But any substance or activity can be used, as long as it works well enough to dull the feelings from the trauma. What makes the behavior addictive, is that it is being used to dull the person's feelings. And what makes all addictive behaviors ultimately unsuccessful is the fact that “You can never get enough of what you don't really want.” If what you really want is to feel loved, there is no amount of food or drugs or money that will give you that feeling. If what you really want is healing for the original hurt, there is no amount of anesthesia that will work. Sooner or later, the numbness wears off and the hurt returns.
The extra layer of defenses makes the whole process of healing that much more complicated.
In addition to healing the original core wound, and the feelings, beliefs, and identity arising from it, the addictive behavior itself must be addressed. Typically, the addictive behavior has several components, including the craving for the drug of choice, the situations that trigger the craving, the habit of self-medication for the craving, and chronic psychological reversal, which supports the belief that this behavior is a good choice. All of these parts of the addiction are interwoven and mutually re-enforcing, which makes them very hard to untangle and dissolve.
The 4th Level - Self-Defeating Behaviors
The 4th level is the deepest and most difficult to change, because here a deeper and more effective numbing process has been added to the usual layers of trauma defenses, and there may be active addiction as well. This additional layer of defense is an unconscious, automatic habit of selfnegation. Self-negation is a much deeper and more damaging habit than addiction, because while addiction tries to bury the pain, self-negation tries to bury the self. It does this by stifling all the expressions of the self, such as initiating actions, having preferences and desires -basically all assertions of personal will.
Why would anyone adopt a habit of negating their own impulses, or of preventing their own self-expression? Like all defense mechanisms, it was the best solution the child could find for the problems they faced. In this case, the problem was a parent who could not tolerate the child's developing sense of will, separateness, and autonomy. To prevent this development, the parent set out to break the child's will by actively punishing the child's expressions of his own will and autonomy.
Today, such actions may seem bizarre or unusual, but during the 1800's and early 1900's, this practice was the norm. Most books on child-rearing from that era state that it is the parents' duty to break the child's will in order to civilize it. Although the instructions in child-rearing manuals have changed, there are still many parents who were brought up this way, and therefore cannot tolerate the development of a separate will in their child.
The core wounding usually goes something like this: around the age of two, the child naturally becomes aware of its separateness, and begins to express its will as different from the parents’. Instead of supporting the child's budding autonomy, the parent opposes it, using guilt, shame, manipulation, over-control, and often outright violence. At first, the child fights back, asserting its own will in opposition to the parents’ will. But the parent is bigger and stronger, and willing to escalate their reaction as far as it takes to force the child's compliance. Time after time, the child loses the fight. Eventually, the child concludes that “I can never win and any assertion of my bring more punishment.”
So, the child does the only thing that will stop the pain - it turns its own will against itself, and stops itself from feeling or expressing its own impulses, desires, and autonomy. It learns to automatically defeat itself before the parent can defeat it. This is the habit of self-negation. This habit then organizes the child's psyche and identity so deeply that the behavior persists long after the child has grown up and left home. Even as an adult, impulses and desires are derailed before they reach the surface and find expression. Projects are begun, but somehow never completed. Situations that would draw attention or praise are avoided, since those were the moments that also brought humiliation. Little is desired or accomplished.
These are the clients who have a reputation for defeating their therapists by somehow not changing, even when they want to change. They have painted themselves into a very tight corner. Under the self-negatio,n there is an ocean of pain and rage at the way they were treated. But the selfnegation is what protects them from all those overwhelming feelings. It is their medicine; their drug of choice. Selfassertion re-awakens the old fear of punishment, and being seen as successful can be terrifying. And besides, they have never gotten what they wanted before, so why would they think that they will get it now? For them, the only way to avoid losing big is to continue losing small.
How, then, do we help someone who is stuck at this level? First, we need to recognize early on that self-negation is present so that we don't play into the try-and-fail pattern, and end up reenforcing it. Instead, we need to recognize the need to refuse to change, and give it a voice. Carol Look has beautifully laid out one way to do this in her Refusal Technique*. I find this technique very effective, both to break the logjam, and to confirm that selfnegation is the issue. If it is, doing the Refusal Technique will cause the client to become more animated. In fact, they often break into peals of laughter at this permission to finally say out loud what they have felt in silence for so long. This release may continue for a long time as they vent the pressure they've been carrying inside for years. And you may need to return to the Refusal Technique repeatedly, whenever the logjam reappears.
Since they are profoundly psychologically reversed*, I suggest also applying the un-reversal technique early and often. Their system is accustomed to being reversed, and you must help it gradually re-orient itself to being in alignment.
As you work down through the layer of self-negation (even temporarily), you can begin to address the underlying traumas, and the specific incidents that led them to employ self-negation in the first place. If addictions are present, you will also have to address them at some point, although this will be much easier if you can collapse the underlying traumas first. The person's identification with being “the loser” will also need to be addressed.
It will likely be a long and twisting road, but if you understand the function of self-negation in their psychic economy, you will make real progress.
Looking back over these four levels of trauma defenses, we can see how they are laid down, each one on top of the one below, each layer trying to solve the problems left by the previous layer. With this map in mind, I hope you will find it much easier to understand and heal the various trau- mas you and your clients encounter.
* Psychological reversal and the Refusal Technique are explained and taught as part of EFT, but explaining them here is beyond the scope of this article.
